I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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