Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
