I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
