So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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