I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
