You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
