Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
