Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
