I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
