god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
