I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
