Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
