You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
