Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
