i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
