If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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