Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
