i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
