Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
