don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
