Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
