I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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