dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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