She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
