and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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