our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
