Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
