You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
