so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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