the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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