I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
