U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
