i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
