i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
