i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
