She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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