dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
