This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
