were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
