I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
