I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Its about making memories worth repressing
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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