the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm really busy with my period
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