Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
