Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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