I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
