I can tuck mytits in my pants
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
