I want to have your abortion
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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