So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm sobbing to NWA
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
