So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
