dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
