So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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