Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
